Book, Inspirational Motivation

Chapter 2 : Mr.Fix-It and the Home-Improvement Committee

The most frequently expressed complaint women have about men is that MEN DON’T LISTEN  – either he completely ignores her when she speaks to him, or he listens for a few beats, assesses and offers her a solution. She wants empathy, but he thinks she wants solutions.

The most frequently expressed complaint men have about women is that WOMEN ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO CHANGE THEM When a woman loves a man she feels responsible to assist him in growing and tries to help him improve the way he does things. She thinks she is nurturing him, while he feels he is being controlled. Instead, he wants her acceptance.

LIFE ON MARS

Martians value power, competency, efficiency, and achievement. A man’s sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results. They experience fulfillment primarily through success and accomplishment.They are more interested in “objects” and “things” rather than people and feelings.

Achieving goals is very important to a Martian because it is a way for him to prove his competence and thus feel good about himself. And for him to feel good about himself he must achieve these goals by himself.

To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn’t know what to do or that he can’t do it on his own.Because he is handling his problems on his own, a Martian rarely talks about his problems unless he needs expert advice. Asking for help when you can do it yourself is perceived as a sign of weakness. If he truly does need help, then it is a sign of wisdom to get it, which in this case, he will find someone he respects and then talk about his problem. Talking about a problem is an invitation for advice, and another Martian feels honoured by the opportunity. This is one of the reasons men instinctively offer solutions when women talk about problems. It is his way of showing love and of trying to help.

He has no idea that by just listening with empathy and interest he can be supportive. He does not know that on Venus, talking about problems is not an invitation to offer a solution.

LIFE ON VENUS

Venusians value love, communication, beauty, and relationships. They spend a lot of time supporting, helping and nurturing one another. A woman’s sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships. They experience fulfillment through sharing and relating.

Venusians pride themselves in being considerate of the needs and feelings of others. A sign of great love is to offer help and assistance to another Venusian without being asked. Offering help is not offensive, and needing help is not a sign of weakness. A man, however, may feel offended because when a woman offers advice he doesn’t feel she trusts his ability to do it himself. It makes him feel incompetent, weak and even unloved.

Venusians firmly believe that when something is working, it can always work better. Their nature is to want to improve things and suggest how to do it. On the other hand, Martians are more solution oriented. If something is working, their motto is don’t change it. “Don’t fix it unless it is broken.”

GIVE UP GIVING ADVICE

Venusians, always assume he can solve his problem unless he is asking for help. Restrain from offering any advice, take a deep breath and just appreciate in your heart what he is trying to do for you.

Generally speaking, when a woman offers unsolicited advice or tries to “help” a man, she has no idea of how critical and unloving she may sound to him.

Learn the wisdom of letting go and accepting without offering unsolicited advice or criticism.

LEARNING TO LISTEN

Many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems.

Martians, try to understand how important it is just to listen without offering solutions. Venusians never offer solutions when someone is talking. A way of honouring another Venusian is to listen patiently with empathy, seeking to truly understand the other’s feelings.

Learn the wisdom of listening without offering solutions.

The two most common mistakes we make in relationships:

1. A man tries to change a woman’s feelings when she is upset by becoming Mr.Fix-It and offering solutions to her problems that invalidate her feelings.

2. A woman tries to change a man’s behaviour when he makes mistakes by becoming the home improvement committee and offering unsolicited advice or criticism.

IN DEFENSE OF MR.FIX-IT AND THE HOME IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEE

The mistakes are only in timing and approach.A woman greatly appreciates Mr.Fix-It, as long as he doesn’t come out when she is upset. When women seem upset and talk about problems is not the time to offer solutions; instead, listen and gradually she will feel better on her own. She does not need to be fixed.

A man greatly appreciates the home-improvement committee, as long as it is requested. Unsolicited advice or criticism makes a man feel unloved and controlled. He need sher acceptance more than her advice, in order to learn from his mistakes. When a man feels that a woman is not trying to improve him, he is much more likely to ask for her feedback and advice.

When our partner resists us it is probably because we have made a mistake in our timing and approach.

SOLUTION:

WOMEN, practice restraining from giving any unsolicited advice or criticism

MEN, practice listening whenever a woman speaks, with the sole intention of respectfully understanding what she is going through.

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