Book, Inspirational Motivation

Chapter 4 : How to motivate the opposite

Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed...
Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished.

When a man does not feel needed in a relationship, he gradually becomes passive and less energized; with each passing day he has less to give the relationship. When he feels trusted to do his best to fulfill her needs and appreciated for his efforts, he is empowered and has more to give.

When a woman does not feel cherished in a relationship she gradually becomes compulsively responsible and exhausted from giving too much. When she feels cared for and respected, she is fulfilled and has more to give as well.


Let’s introduce the win/lose philosophy – I want to win and I don’t care if you lose. This win/lose attitude becomes harmful in our adult relationships. If i seek to fulfill my own needs at the expense of my partner, we are sure to experience unhappiness, resentment and conflict. The secret of forming a successful relationship is for both partners to win.

“We need you, Your power and strength can bring us great fulfillment, filling a void deep within our being. Together we could live in great happiness.”

This invitation motivates and empowers the Martians. Once in a relatinoship and as the problems begin to emerge, Venusians do not know how important that message still is to the Martians and neglect to send it. The Martians were no longer satisfied by just proving themselves and developing their power. They wanted to use their power and skills in the service of others. Slowly, a win/win philosophy was developed and the Martians wanted a world where everyone cared for themselves as well as for others.


When a man is in love he is motivated to be the best he can be in order to serve others. When his heart is open, he feels so confident in himself that he is capable of making major changes. Only when he feels he cannot succeed does he regress back to his old selfish ways.

When a man is in love, he begins to care about another as much as himself. He can easily endure any hardship to make her happy because her happiness makes him happy.


Most men have little awareness of how important it is to a woman to feel supported by someone who cares. Women are happy when they believe their needs will be met. When a woman is upset, overwhelmed, confused, exhausted, or hopeless what she needs most is simple companionship. She needs to feel she is not alone. She needs to feel loved and cherished.

Martian instincts tell them it’s best to be alone when Venusians are upset. When she is upset, out of respect he will leave her alone, or if he stays he makes matters worse by trying to solve her problems. He does no instinctively realize how very important closeness, intimacy, and sharing are to her. What she needs most is just someone to listen.


Venusians just want to relax and just be taken care of for a while. They live by a lose/win philosophy – “I lose so that you can win.” As long as everyone made sacrifices for others, then everyone was taken care of. But Venusians got tired of always caring about one another and sharing everything. They were also ready for a win/win philosophy.


When a woman gives too much she should not blame her partner. Similarly, a man who gives less should not blame his partner for being negative or unreceptive to him. Blaming doesn’t work. Understanding, trust, compassion, acceptance, and support are the solution, not blaming our partners.


A woman needs to recognize her boundaries of what she can give without resenting her partner. Instead of expecting her partner to even the score, she needs to keep it even by regulating how much she gives.

As a man experiences limits, he is motivaed to give more. Through respecting limits, he automatically is motivated to question the effectiveness of his behaviour patterns and to start making changes. When a woman realizes that in order to receive she needs to set limits, then automatically she begins to forgive her partner and explore new ways of asking for and receiving support. When a woman sets limits, she gradually learns to relax and receive more.


Ironically, men are primarily motivated by being needed, but are turned off by neediness. “Needing” is openly reaching out and asking for support from a man in a trusting manner, one that assumes that he will do his best. “Neediness” is desperately needing support because you don’t trust you will get it.

When the Venusian is ready the Martian will appear.
When a woman realizes that she truly deserves to be loved, she is opening the door for a man to give to her. Women, you don’t have to give more to have a better relationship. Your partner will actually give you more if you give less.

When she wakes up and remembers her needs, he also wakes up and wants to give her more.
If there has been a lot of neglect it may take a while truly to heal all the accumulated resentment, but it is possible. Quite often, when one partner makes a positive change, the other will also change. When we are truly ready to receive then what we need will become available.


A man’s deepest fear is that he is not good enough or that he is incompetent. Just as women are afraid of receiving, men are afraid of giving. TO extend himself in giving to others means to risk failure, correction and disapproval. He wants to give but is afraid he will fail, so he doesn’t try.

Ironically, when a man really cares a lot his fear of failure increases, and he gives less. When a man is insecure he may compensate by not caring about anybody except himself.

The first step for a man in learning how to give more is to realize that it is OK to make mistakes and it is OK to fail and that he doesnt have to have all the answers.


Just as women are sensitive to feeling rejected when they don’t get the attention they need, men are sensitive to feeling that they have failed when a woman talks about problems. That is why it is hard for him to listen sometimes. He wants to be her hero. When she is disappointed or unhappy over anything, he feels like a failure.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.