Book, Inspirational Motivation

Chapter 4 : How to motivate the opposite

Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed...
Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished.

When a man does not feel needed in a relationship, he gradually becomes passive and less energized; with each passing day he has less to give the relationship. When he feels trusted to do his best to fulfill her needs and appreciated for his efforts, he is empowered and has more to give.

When a woman does not feel cherished in a relationship she gradually becomes compulsively responsible and exhausted from giving too much. When she feels cared for and respected, she is fulfilled and has more to give as well.

WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN


Let’s introduce the win/lose philosophy – I want to win and I don’t care if you lose. This win/lose attitude becomes harmful in our adult relationships. If i seek to fulfill my own needs at the expense of my partner, we are sure to experience unhappiness, resentment and conflict. The secret of forming a successful relationship is for both partners to win.

“We need you, Your power and strength can bring us great fulfillment, filling a void deep within our being. Together we could live in great happiness.”

This invitation motivates and empowers the Martians. Once in a relatinoship and as the problems begin to emerge, Venusians do not know how important that message still is to the Martians and neglect to send it. The Martians were no longer satisfied by just proving themselves and developing their power. They wanted to use their power and skills in the service of others. Slowly, a win/win philosophy was developed and the Martians wanted a world where everyone cared for themselves as well as for others.

LOVE MOTIVATES THE MARTIANS

When a man is in love he is motivated to be the best he can be in order to serve others. When his heart is open, he feels so confident in himself that he is capable of making major changes. Only when he feels he cannot succeed does he regress back to his old selfish ways.

When a man is in love, he begins to care about another as much as himself. He can easily endure any hardship to make her happy because her happiness makes him happy.

WHEN A WOMAN LOVES A MAN

Most men have little awareness of how important it is to a woman to feel supported by someone who cares. Women are happy when they believe their needs will be met. When a woman is upset, overwhelmed, confused, exhausted, or hopeless what she needs most is simple companionship. She needs to feel she is not alone. She needs to feel loved and cherished.

Martian instincts tell them it’s best to be alone when Venusians are upset. When she is upset, out of respect he will leave her alone, or if he stays he makes matters worse by trying to solve her problems. He does no instinctively realize how very important closeness, intimacy, and sharing are to her. What she needs most is just someone to listen.

TOO MUCH GIVING IS TIRING

Venusians just want to relax and just be taken care of for a while. They live by a lose/win philosophy – “I lose so that you can win.” As long as everyone made sacrifices for others, then everyone was taken care of. But Venusians got tired of always caring about one another and sharing everything. They were also ready for a win/win philosophy.

GIVING UP BLAME

When a woman gives too much she should not blame her partner. Similarly, a man who gives less should not blame his partner for being negative or unreceptive to him. Blaming doesn’t work. Understanding, trust, compassion, acceptance, and support are the solution, not blaming our partners.

SETTING AND RESPECTING LIMITS

A woman needs to recognize her boundaries of what she can give without resenting her partner. Instead of expecting her partner to even the score, she needs to keep it even by regulating how much she gives.

As a man experiences limits, he is motivaed to give more. Through respecting limits, he automatically is motivated to question the effectiveness of his behaviour patterns and to start making changes. When a woman realizes that in order to receive she needs to set limits, then automatically she begins to forgive her partner and explore new ways of asking for and receiving support. When a woman sets limits, she gradually learns to relax and receive more.

LEARNING TO RECEIVE

Ironically, men are primarily motivated by being needed, but are turned off by neediness. “Needing” is openly reaching out and asking for support from a man in a trusting manner, one that assumes that he will do his best. “Neediness” is desperately needing support because you don’t trust you will get it.

When the Venusian is ready the Martian will appear.
When a woman realizes that she truly deserves to be loved, she is opening the door for a man to give to her. Women, you don’t have to give more to have a better relationship. Your partner will actually give you more if you give less.

When she wakes up and remembers her needs, he also wakes up and wants to give her more.
If there has been a lot of neglect it may take a while truly to heal all the accumulated resentment, but it is possible. Quite often, when one partner makes a positive change, the other will also change. When we are truly ready to receive then what we need will become available.

LEARNING TO GIVE

A man’s deepest fear is that he is not good enough or that he is incompetent. Just as women are afraid of receiving, men are afraid of giving. TO extend himself in giving to others means to risk failure, correction and disapproval. He wants to give but is afraid he will fail, so he doesn’t try.

Ironically, when a man really cares a lot his fear of failure increases, and he gives less. When a man is insecure he may compensate by not caring about anybody except himself.

The first step for a man in learning how to give more is to realize that it is OK to make mistakes and it is OK to fail and that he doesnt have to have all the answers.

MARTIANS NEED LOVE TOO

Just as women are sensitive to feeling rejected when they don’t get the attention they need, men are sensitive to feeling that they have failed when a woman talks about problems. That is why it is hard for him to listen sometimes. He wants to be her hero. When she is disappointed or unhappy over anything, he feels like a failure.

Book, Inspirational Motivation

Chapter 3 : Men go to their caves and women talk.

How men and women handle stress:

Men become increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved. He feels better by solving problems while she feels better by talking about problems.

COPING WITH STRESS ON MARS AND VENUS

When a Martian gets upset he never talks about what is bothering him. Instead he becomes very quiet and goes to his private cave to think about his problem, mulling it over to find a solution. When he has found a solution, he feels much better and comes out of his cave. If he can’t find a solution then he does something to forget his problems, like reading the news or playing a game.Women generally do not understand how Martians cope with stress and hence she feels ignorant and hurt when men goes to his cave.

To feel better Martians go to their caves to solve problems alone.When a Venusian becomes upset or is stressed by her day, to find relief, she seeks out someone she trusts and then talks in great detail about the problems of her day.To feel better Venusians get together and openly talk about their problems.And these problems continuous in various topics and tends to be logically unrelated.When women talk about problems, men usually resist and assumes she is talking to him about the problems to make him hold the responsibilities.The more problems more he feels blamed.Here the man talk about problems to someone for two reasons : they are blaming someone or they are seeking advice.Hence if a women is really upset man assumes she is blaming him.If she seems less upset,then he assumes she is asking for advice.

A Venusian feels good about herself when she has loving friends with whom to share her feelings and problems. A Martian feels good when he can solve his problems on his own in his cave.

Women are Miss Chatty (Women talk and share about their problems and do not necessarily want solutions right away)

HOW THE MARTIANS AND VENUSIANS FOUND PEACE

Martians, learn to respect that Venusians need to talk to feel better. Realise that a Venusian attack is only temporary and that soon, the Venusian will suddenly feel better and be very appreciative and accepting. Listening to a Venusian talk about problems could actually help you come ot of your caves in the same way as watching the news or reading a newspaper. Learn to listen without feeling blamed or responsible.

Venusians, learn to respect that Martians need to withdraw to cope with stress. Find peace of mind and understand that a Martian going into his cave is not a sign that he does not love you as much. Learn to be more accepting. Just politely stop talking, stand there, and wait for him to notice you when he is distracted. Ask for his attention in a relaxed and accepting manner and Martians will be happy to redirect their attention. Don’t take it personally. When Martians feel loved and accepted, they will more quickly come out of their caves.

Book, Inspirational Motivation

Chapter 1 : Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus

REMEMBERING OUR DIFFERENCES:

We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways – the ways we react and behave when we love someone. As a result, our relationships are filled with unnecessary friction and conflict.When you remember that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, everything can be explained.

AN OVERVIEW OF OUR DIFFERENCES:

The two biggest mistakes we make in relating to the opposite sex: men mistakenly offer solutions and invalidate feelings while women offer unsolicited advice and direction.
Men and women cope differently with stress: Martians tend to pull away and silently think about what’s bothering them, Venusians feel an instinctive need to talk about what’s bothering them.Men are motivated when they feel needed  while women are motivated when they feel cherished.

The greatest challenges:

Men need to overcome their resistance to giving love while women must overcome their resistance to receiving it .Men and women give the kind of love they need and not what the opposite sex needs – men primarily need a kind of love that is trusting, accepting and appreciative. Women primarily need a kind of love that is caring, understanding and respectful.For Venusians, every gift of love scores equally with every other gift, regardless of size. Instead of just focusing on one big gift, the little expressions of love are just as important.

GOOD INTENTIONS ARE NOT ENOUGH 

Falling in love is always magical. It feels eternal, as if love will last forever. But as the magic recedes and daily life takes over, it emerges that men continue to expect women to think and react like men, and women expect men to feel and behave like women. Without a clear awareness of our differences, we do not take the time to understand and respect each other. We become demanding, resentful, judgemental, and intolerant.

When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom.Through understanding the hidden differences of the opposite sex we can more successfully give and receive the love that is in our hearts.Love is magical, and it can last, if we remember our differences.

Book, Inspirational Motivation

Chapter 2 : Mr.Fix-It and the Home-Improvement Committee

The most frequently expressed complaint women have about men is that MEN DON’T LISTEN  – either he completely ignores her when she speaks to him, or he listens for a few beats, assesses and offers her a solution. She wants empathy, but he thinks she wants solutions.

The most frequently expressed complaint men have about women is that WOMEN ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO CHANGE THEM When a woman loves a man she feels responsible to assist him in growing and tries to help him improve the way he does things. She thinks she is nurturing him, while he feels he is being controlled. Instead, he wants her acceptance.

LIFE ON MARS

Martians value power, competency, efficiency, and achievement. A man’s sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results. They experience fulfillment primarily through success and accomplishment.They are more interested in “objects” and “things” rather than people and feelings.

Achieving goals is very important to a Martian because it is a way for him to prove his competence and thus feel good about himself. And for him to feel good about himself he must achieve these goals by himself.

To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn’t know what to do or that he can’t do it on his own.Because he is handling his problems on his own, a Martian rarely talks about his problems unless he needs expert advice. Asking for help when you can do it yourself is perceived as a sign of weakness. If he truly does need help, then it is a sign of wisdom to get it, which in this case, he will find someone he respects and then talk about his problem. Talking about a problem is an invitation for advice, and another Martian feels honoured by the opportunity. This is one of the reasons men instinctively offer solutions when women talk about problems. It is his way of showing love and of trying to help.

He has no idea that by just listening with empathy and interest he can be supportive. He does not know that on Venus, talking about problems is not an invitation to offer a solution.

LIFE ON VENUS

Venusians value love, communication, beauty, and relationships. They spend a lot of time supporting, helping and nurturing one another. A woman’s sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships. They experience fulfillment through sharing and relating.

Venusians pride themselves in being considerate of the needs and feelings of others. A sign of great love is to offer help and assistance to another Venusian without being asked. Offering help is not offensive, and needing help is not a sign of weakness. A man, however, may feel offended because when a woman offers advice he doesn’t feel she trusts his ability to do it himself. It makes him feel incompetent, weak and even unloved.

Venusians firmly believe that when something is working, it can always work better. Their nature is to want to improve things and suggest how to do it. On the other hand, Martians are more solution oriented. If something is working, their motto is don’t change it. “Don’t fix it unless it is broken.”

GIVE UP GIVING ADVICE

Venusians, always assume he can solve his problem unless he is asking for help. Restrain from offering any advice, take a deep breath and just appreciate in your heart what he is trying to do for you.

Generally speaking, when a woman offers unsolicited advice or tries to “help” a man, she has no idea of how critical and unloving she may sound to him.

Learn the wisdom of letting go and accepting without offering unsolicited advice or criticism.

LEARNING TO LISTEN

Many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems.

Martians, try to understand how important it is just to listen without offering solutions. Venusians never offer solutions when someone is talking. A way of honouring another Venusian is to listen patiently with empathy, seeking to truly understand the other’s feelings.

Learn the wisdom of listening without offering solutions.

The two most common mistakes we make in relationships:

1. A man tries to change a woman’s feelings when she is upset by becoming Mr.Fix-It and offering solutions to her problems that invalidate her feelings.

2. A woman tries to change a man’s behaviour when he makes mistakes by becoming the home improvement committee and offering unsolicited advice or criticism.

IN DEFENSE OF MR.FIX-IT AND THE HOME IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEE

The mistakes are only in timing and approach.A woman greatly appreciates Mr.Fix-It, as long as he doesn’t come out when she is upset. When women seem upset and talk about problems is not the time to offer solutions; instead, listen and gradually she will feel better on her own. She does not need to be fixed.

A man greatly appreciates the home-improvement committee, as long as it is requested. Unsolicited advice or criticism makes a man feel unloved and controlled. He need sher acceptance more than her advice, in order to learn from his mistakes. When a man feels that a woman is not trying to improve him, he is much more likely to ask for her feedback and advice.

When our partner resists us it is probably because we have made a mistake in our timing and approach.

SOLUTION:

WOMEN, practice restraining from giving any unsolicited advice or criticism

MEN, practice listening whenever a woman speaks, with the sole intention of respectfully understanding what she is going through.

Book, Inspirational Motivation

I Too Had A Love Story – Ravinder Singh

When Ravin take us along with his journey ,the statement that the world always insists us to live in the present  and to forget the past is flown along with the wind. While he sail back to his past on his ship of love he  also takes the readers along with him . The waves hit the ship in the form of  ecstasy ,pleasure , anticipation, desolation, desolation  thought-out the voyage. The expedition started with exhilaration and it ends up with resurrection. These  emotions which are in the form of waves badly damages the ship on the way to the destination  which is reflected  from is simple, honest and touching way of narration.

The past tense in the title absorbs the verity that the  book is totally dedicated  in  the loving memory of the girl whom  the author loved ,yet could marry .This story expose that not all love stories are meant to have perfect ending and not everyone in this world has a fate to cherish the fullest form of love, some are born just to experience the abbreviation of it.

Ravinder-Singh
Ravinder Singh

The story begins with the reunion of four friends  including Ravin . During the reunion they discuss their future plans of getting married and one of the friends suggests Ravin to visit online matrimonial website and  then Ravin  finds out Kushi. After a few months of conversation over phone, they realize that they have started falling in love with each other, although they have never met face-to-face. The spark of love between them was so intense that made a way to their marriage. The pages of their first meeting and the arrangements their  marriage is portrayed so beautifully by the author which makes the readers to fall in  the ocean of love.

But Just before the lighting the engagement, Khushi meets with a road accident .The ship which Ravin took the readers to his past along with his friends ,family and his loving Khushi is shaking with fear and anxiety when Khushi is fallen from the ship to the hands of heaven despite all the medical attempts and prayers. And then the story ends as:

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